I do. I do.
This was a spur of the moment kinda thing. Though I guess one doesn’t really plan to shove one’s hand in the toilet. Anyhow, I had a beer at dinner. I was feeling good about myself. So I thought, why not shove my hand in the toilet. Here it is from start to finish.
PLEASE NOTE: There was no urine or any type of feces in the bowl before I shoved my hand in. And yes, I did wash my hands after...twice.
Doesn’t make Friday Follow any less of a valuable blogging tool. I’m just 38% sure that week after week they have been sending hidden messages to the dark lord through the use of the blog list. I managed to use a rudimentary form of asymmetric cryptography to crack this week's coded message that reads – We all stand unified as loyal minions to our king, Satan. See for yourself.
According to Askmen.com, Rush Limbaugh has a real hard-on for scented candles. Rush likes ‘em so much he has (on occasion) ordered his staff to light up a bunch of 'em before he arrives home.
Young cowboy Clint and John Wayne were slightly before my time. My wild western influences were city slicker Jack Palance, the movie Silverado, and The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. Slim pickings, but just enough to give me a fair idea of what a cowboy should be. One who spits in the face of danger. Truly a man’s man. An image that I am sorry to say has recently been tarnished once I learned that designers are now making cowboy rain booties. Seriously.
BEFORE SEEING THE GOODS, KNOW THAT I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THE STYLES. I think the boots are all hip and fashion forward. I just personally think a rough ‘n tough cowboy doesn’t need the following 3 types of coddling. You be the judge.
Ed Hardy Cowboy/Rain Boots ($54.95 @ Buy.com)
Dav Cowboy Rain Boot ($67.95 @ Amazon.com)
Nomad Yippy Rain Boot ($56.00 @ Amazon.com)
BONUS: Opening to The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.
A bold statement I know. I’m starting with 10 ‘cause honestly I don’t have too much faith in myself. But one thing is for certain, I am NOT a quitter. My goal is to eventually get to 25 one-of-kind gems. Dare to dream.
Yes, most of these semi-sentences probably only make sense to me. A few on 'em will also guarantee me a first class ticket straight to hell. So is life. Please let me know if you’ve heard some iteration of the crap I’m about to spew. That is the only way I'll learn.
Oh and hey, If you want to work ‘em into your blog or use as an attention grabbing header go right ahead. In return I’d be cool with just a small shout out and a link up. On to the madness.
1- I know she’s a nun, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have a fine ass.
2- If I camped out in Middle-earth for 3 or 4 months I bet Hobbit farts would grow on me.
3- I would cradle Satan’s balls if it meant I could get a primo parking space at the free clinic.
4- I think snot nose brats could rule the world if you chain them to the right refrigerator.
5- I blog for the chicks and the free coke.
6- Squirrel meat totally tastes better than hamster meat, duh!
7- We didn’t cryogenically freeze gammy to help her live longer, it’s ‘cause we caught her cheating.
8- Back in the day, Vomitoriums must have kicked righteous ass!
9- The ear wax and mustard combine for an earthy texture.
10- I do everything effeminate with my left hand, except masturbate.
No judgments for why it occurred. Angry. Heat of passion. Accident. None of my business. I’m just the problem solver…for the stain. Removing a corpse from the planet (without a trace) is not really my forte. Sorry.
So before you start it’s of vital importance that you know what type of wall material you’re dealing with. Totally will affect the way you clean it, as you'll see from the tips I provided.
Wood – Use a sponge or cloth soaked with cool water to wipe the stained area.
Stone – Same as above. However, if the stain still doesn’t come out try using a mixture of powdered detergent, chlorine bleach, and water.
Plastic, Linoleum, or Tile – Use warm, soapy water for the sponge or cloth.
Grout – Try cool water first. If the stain is still there use baking soda with water.
*** In all cases*** Once the stain is removed, wipe over the area with water again, then dry with a fan.
Ok, not nude. But hey, it is me in the flesh. Ally (4th Grade Nothing) convinced me to put myself out there. So this is me doing that. 2 things to clarify so you don’t need to ask the questions…
- Yes, I am that short.
- Yes, that is my real voice.
AARP reports that a big concern for an old person involved in a new relationship is when it comes to kissing. Some fear that their dentures might come loose which could turn a perspective partner off. An easy fix is Fixodent® Extra Hold. This strong adhesive works fast and has no foul odor or taste. AARP suggests that the powder is way less messy to use than the gel.
MEMO
TO: CLEANING STAFF at building where I work
SUBJECT: Apology for leaving snot on the wall
To Whom It May Concern:
I’d like to extend my sincerest apologies for leaving the snotlike mixture on the wall space right above urinal #1 in the bathroom. Just so you know, 99% of the time I always cover my mouth or use a tissue. It’s just that I was caught in midstream of a piss when the sneeze occurred. And to prepare for the sneeze spasm I used both hands to support my private area. My logic being is that I felt using one hand wouldn't be enough to defend against the sudden kick back. The course of the pee stream would've most likely been redirected to either the floor or my pants. In the end I felt the snot stained wall was a small price to pay to prevent possible urine puddles.
True, I could have stayed to clean up my snotty secretion. However, I desperately feared someone in upper management catching me in the act and unfairly judging me.
Again, my deepest apologies,
Anonymous
To some, Cinco de Mayo is a day filled with mucho shots and chilly cervezas. I’d be lying if I said most of my 20s and early 30s weren’t spent paying tribute to the surprise 1862 victory of the Mexicans over the French army (and the porcelain Gods later). But to be honest I’ve always preferred to celebrate a different Mayo. One that is smooth, creamy and filled with egg ‘n oily goodness. THICK, RICH MAYONNAISE.
MOMENTS IN TRUE MAYO HISTORY.
1756 – The personal chef of Duke de Richelieu invents mayonnaise.
1905 – First time mayo is sold in the US at Richard Hellmann’s deli in New York.
1912 - Richard and Co. produce the first jar of Hellmann's Blue Ribbon Mayonnaise.
1976 – I had my first tuna/mayo sandwich for lunch (made by mom). I was hooked.
1981 – Made my first pure mayo sandwich when the babysitter had left the room to call her boyfriend.
1990 – Fingered my first mini mayo jar after getting drunk off Jell-O shots at a college party.
MY CINCO de MAYO CELEBRATION.
I celebrate it one way and one way only. I enjoy a sandwich or dish with 5 times the normal amount of mayo. Then I wash it down with a crisp Diet Pepsi®.
TRADITIONAL CINCO de MAYO DISH #1.
For me, a true ceremonial meal has been a Blimpie giant tuna sub with extra mayo. Then at home I usually add some more mayo in a bowl for dipping purposes. However, I have been known to enjoy other festive foods on this day. That is where you come in.
VOTE FOR MY CINCO de MAYO MEAL.
Over the next week and change I will share with you my absolute fave meals from Mayo days past. Your task is simple. On May 4th I WANT YOU to vote for the dish I shall devour. As a reward I will take pictures of my bloated 39 yr. old self (possibly shirtless) enjoying said feast. And to make it really worth your while, I WILL TWEET EVERY BLOG THAT VOTES FOR ME ON THAT DAY. How bitchin’ is that?
Stay tuned and stay full.
Hey, sometimes that special someone deserves a bit of discipline. Far be it from me to ask you the reason. I can just provide you with some sensible tips to aid in selecting the right riding crop for a well-deserved spanking.
1- MAKE YOUR MARK: Leave a lasting impression with your lover by choosing a crop with a heart shape on the slapping end. ($8.25 @ Discreet Novelty)
2- A STRONG SHAFT: Look for sturdy handles coated with resin and shafts that are braded to withstand even the toughest playtimes. ($21.87 @ Discreet Novelty)
3- WORK THAT WRIST: To prevent slippage choose a crop with a leather wrist strap. ($35.07 @ Discreet Novelty)
Off hand no useful reasons come to mind. Can’t just be for the Purple Nurples. If you’ve never had the pleasure of being treated to one be thankful. That’s when a bully or best friend grabs your nipple and gives 3 to 5 hard twists. Excruciating! In the West I believe kids refer to it as a Titty Twister.
So back to the question of why God decided to keep the nipple feature in the male models. Gave it a google and found that the answer to be kinda lame. Apparently when we are in the early fetus stages we are gender-neutral. So just to be on the safe side, God (or whatever deity you worship) pops on a pair of nipples. That way if you go the female route all is good.
FYI…scientists say men do have the ability to lactate in extreme situations, so that’s a bonus. I guess.
First it was the Archie “wedding what if” to Betty or Veronica that got people talking. Now it’s an interracial romance brewing between Riverdale’s favorite super, super senior and Val (from Josie and the Pussycats) that’s stirring up controversy. This new, steamy story arc starts with Archie issue #608.
Scoured the net for any overt nerd bigotry and found nothing. HOWEVER, I did find plenty of posts that are prime examples of what I like to call – Bizarro Racism. The term is based on Bizarro Superman – A semi-evil super-freak that comes from Bizarro world. That’s the place where everything is mirror opposite of our earth. Bad is good, chocolate is vanilla…and you get the picture. If not, Seinfeld episode 137 sums it up way better.
Now here is my sample of a Bizarro Racist statement …
We’ve elected an African American president, and yet people are still shocked when they see an interracial kiss on a comic book cover. It’s just sad to think the good people at Archie comics will have to endure any bigot hate mail because of this. I applaud them for having the courage of their convictions.
Ugh! Makes me sick to my stomach just reading it. Essentially it’s taking a stand on something that shouldn’t need defending. Not in this day and age. It should simply be treated as just another cover. No soapbox needed. And that my friends is Bizarro Racism. Oh and besides, everyone knows Klan Grand Wizards don’t even read Archie. They love Marmaduke, Apartment 3G and Ninja Turtles.
FYI…right now Archie issue #608 is selling on ebay for 10 bucks. Better snag your copy now before all the Bizarro racists do.
You can cut the sexual tension with a knife in these panels.
Whether you’re at a play-date or party, now you can show off your passion with pride ‘n style. Check out these hot new threads from the folks at Zazzle.
Mommy blogger vintage, mock-layered t-shirt ($25.95)
I know. The PC term is little person. But hey, I am a little person. Been so all of my life. I’m 5’ 4” ¾. So the way I’m seeing it, midgets are stepping into my territory. Stealing the name of good peeps like me. Not sure of the solve, but rest assured I will give it some thought.
ONE TINY LEAP FOR MANKIND…
Since 1989, most of the world (except Ontario and Newark) have made midget tossing illegal. Though 3 years before that was quite a different story. It was the height of the sport. Contests were being hosted all over the globe, like the 1986 DWARF-TOSSING CHAMPIONSHIPS in Australia. The event where an incredible midget milestone occurred – a world record toss. Set by a dynamic duo that hailed from the UK borough of Sutton. The team: Thrower Roy “Cuddles” Merrin, and Dwarf Lenny the Giant. Despite the negative press the two lifelong friends were starting to receive, neither seemed distracted at the event. In fact, trainer Danny Barnford (of Ross Road, Wellington) knew something special was about to happen just as the two stepped up to the line. And he was right. With a classic clockwise triple spin, magic occurred once Lenny left Roy’s hands. The tiny giant flew an astounding 12 ft. 9 inches. Setting a world’s record and hurtling themselves into the annals of history. Bravo Lenny and Roy. Bravo.
Clippings from this historic event.
