Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Just to recap…I am Jewish. Which means yeah, I’ll be taking part in Passover Seders next week. Or as I like to refer to it as the “awkward catch up time with relatives over flavorless Kosher wine” celebration. Post angst-feast also means I’ll be suffering through 8 days of not being able to ingest anything with yeast (bread, pasta, beer, etc.) Of course I am totally free to enjoy the gift my ancestors bequeathed to us centuries ago – Matzo. An ancient Hebrew word that means dry cracker. This past Sunday I gave you the 1st reason why I hate MatzoIt crumbles when you spread stuff on it. Here are the other 29.

  1. Has no taste at all
  2. Stops you from pooping.
  3. Sucks all of the moisture out of your mouth.
  4. Constant reminder of never finding the Afikomen (story for my Shrink only).
  5. Can’t toast it.
  6. Can’t turn it into French toast.
  7. The onion version smells like my Great Aunt Gert (God rest her soul).
  8. Pizza matzo? Big disappointment.
  9. Matzo crumbs are like beach sand (they get everywhere).
  10. Doesn’t come in a resealable container.
  11. Package instructions are in Hebrew.
  12. Egg Matzo expands in your mouth as you chew it.
  13. Run the risk of choking every time you swallow.
  14. People give you funny looks when you eat it at work (don’t deny it, I see you).
  15. It’s annoying to explain the significance of it to coworkers time and time again.
  16. You can only choose from 2 brands.
  17. Doesn't sop up soup very well.
  18. Crumbles when you try to brown bag it for lunch.
  19. Fun name for coworkers to massacre.
  20. It’s not sturdy enough to dip in anything.
  21. Never really fills you up.
  22. Causes you to up your cream cheese/butter intake.
  23. Very bad with burgers, cheese and ketchup.
  24. Hate hearing stories about how it’s the preferred cracker of non-Jews.
  25. We’re supposed to be reminded of suffering as we eat it.
  26. Each Matzo comes in that awkward 1 ft. by 1 ft square size.
  27. Not the quietest thing to eat.
  28. Try flossing those crumbs out.
  29. Will never, ever have a bacon 'n cheddar flavor.
BONUS: Contrary to my Aunt Gert's opinion (God rest her soul), Chocolate covered matzo is NOT to die for.

MATZO MERVE TALKS TO JERRY SEINFELD & HOWARD STERN (yes, that's my voice and my crappy animation.).

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  1. Such a great list. I can only do matzo as a PB&J. Can't hack it any other way. What say you?

  2. AND THANK THE LORD for you turning off that captcha stuff

  3. I am an Atheist, but somewhat follow a Kosher diet, in that I don't eat meat, but fish is not meat... So, I always look forward to Passover, as it is the only time (in the South) I can get Manischewitz marshmallows. Since they have fish gelatin instead of who-knows-what-animal gelatin I don't feel guilty eating them.

    Never had Matzo, but always remember some comic saying (in ref to escaping Egypt), "let the bread rise, Ma! You'd think Pharaoh was right on our ass!"

  4. I am with your Aunty Gert on this one!

  5. Ack, I can't stand matzo. Unless it's made into a ball and sunken into some chicken soup.

  6. Great list, and hilarious little interviews. Jerry looked so perplexed by your question.
    I especially like #7 and 12 above.

  7. I like the videos. Very cool interviews. I am going to have to try the Chocolate covered matzo just to see if it is to die for.

  8. Matzo = "formed" sawdust

    I was really just here to make sure you turned off the "captcha." I'm about to check....

  9. In honor of your obligation. I shall buy some matzo and eat it, before diving into my yeasty gentile spread.

    Hahaha, actually I'm on a low carb diet. Well, thought that counts.

  10. I've got 29 problems, but Matzo ain't one....


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