BUFFET GEAR MY GREAT AUNT GERT WOULD’VE LOVED (GOD REST HER SOUL).

The woman could “buffet” like nobody’s business. Yes, I know I used "buffet" as an action verb – In Gert’s case, totally apropriate. Sadly she left this planet all too soon. I think it was ’83. By that time I had only witnessed her buffet artistry on 4 or 5 family occasions (2 Bar Mitzvahs, a brunch or three and a wedding).

First thing Gert would do is scope out the entire table like a hawk. Guaranteed if you asked her about the event she wouldn’t be able to remember one guest. Though she’d name the f*ck out of every morsel of food (right down to the smoked sable with minced onions). Next, she’d go to work picking and choosing. Sheer poetry in motion to watch. I never saw the woman leave a buffet wanting more. Before Gert departed she left had me with these 4 life lessons.

• Hit the meat carving station before anything else.
  
• Rolls are for suckers.
  
• Tip the omelet guy a fin and he’ll toss in some lox.
  
• Always, always have a healthy supply of mints or gum in your purse.

Sad to think how much Gert’s buffet skills would’ve been enhanced had these technological advancements been around.

DYNAREX HEAVY-DUTY LATEX GLOVES ($8.99 @ Amazon)

• Powder free to prevent the contaminating of Swedish meatballs when sampling.
  
• Made from durable material to protect against the hottest of tray covers.
  
• Maintains tactile sensitivity so you can still skillfully spread a schmear of cream cheese.
  
• 100 gloves per box (good for 22 family functions).
  

BAMBOO® COLLAPSIBLE TRAVEL BOWL ($6.99 @ Jefferspet.com)

• Folds down to less than ½” to easily hide within a dress coat.
  
• Transforms into a sizable travel container to store buffet food for later.
  
• Made of durable silicone.
  
• Keeps hot noodle pudding warm for up to 22 minutes.
  

PROGRESSIVE 9 INCH SILICONE GRIPPER TONGS ($10.08 @ Amazon)

• Perfect size to grasp hard-to-reach broiled fish entrees.
  
• Insulated grip to protect from overheating.
  
• Dishwasher safe for repeat performances.
  
• Sturdy design to handle the largest of meatloaf slices.